Just for Laughs
Dinner with God
Moses dies and goes to heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates, and asks if he’s hungry.
“I could eat,” Moses replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread, and they share a meal.
While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell, and sees the inhabitants there devouring huge briskets, freshly baked specialty breads, pastries and wine.
Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day, God again invites Moses to join him for a meal, and again it’s tuna and rye bread. And again Moses can see the denizens of Hell, and they’re enjoying smoked salmon, leg of lamb, truffles and champagne.
Again, Moses says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives, and God opens another can of tuna.
Unable to contain himself any longer, Moses meekly says, “God, I am truly grateful to be here in Heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led, but here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread. In that ‘other place,’ they eat like emperors and kings. I just don’t understand.”
God sighs. “Let’s be honest,” he says. “For two people, does it pay to cook?”
Overheard in the Hallway
Voice 1: Congratulations! I heard you just got a new job, but none of my stupid co-workers will tell me where you’re going. Hope it’s better than my job. Low pay, long hours, boring assignments, half-witted co-workers, and know-nothing bosses who expect you to kiss their butts.
Voice 2: Oh…that does sound awful! But trust me…my new job is MUCH worse than yours.
Voice 1: Oh no. Sorry to hear that. What do they have you doing?
Voice 2: I have to manage you.
From Steven Wright:
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
(found on Dogpile.com)
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the American team had eight people steering and one person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to four steering supervisors, three area steering superintendents and one assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the “Rowing Team Quality First Program”, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses, and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.
Out of Work
A guy walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to
the counter and says, “Hi… You know, I just HATE drawing unemployment. I’d really rather have a job.”
The counselor behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.” The guy, wide-eyed, says, “You’re bullshittin’ me?” The counselor says, “Yeah, well… you started it.”
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!”“IMPOSSIBLE!!” said the groom broom.“What do you mean?” replied the bride broom.“WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!”
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence, but I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, great body, and she’s wearing a skimpy halter top and tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”
The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”
We Can Make a Difference
Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with
them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar “pay” she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.”
“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**king sheet rock.”
Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye. (-;
The Farmer’s Donkey
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a dry well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping…never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Well…I’d like to say that’s the end of the story, but seems the donkey came back and had his revenge. Bit the farmer on the ass and the farmer died from the infection.
Moral of the story? When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you!
(Thanks to Jerry Goldman for sharing most of these.)